Sunday was my mother’s birthday, Easter Sunday.
How do you plan a birthday celebration worthy of 83 years, for a woman with dementia?
The answer is you don’t.
Last year at this time my mother was still in the hospital fighting delirium and paranoia. Determined not to let a little thing like dementia and psychosis ruin her birthday (can you say denial?) I planned a big family celebration. All available family members gathered in the meeting room down the hall from Mom’s room, complete with cake and decorations. The only thing we didn’t have was Mom. In her fragile state, the whole thing left her overwhelmed. She wouldn’t open her eyes, talk to anyone or get out of bed.
Not one of my best parties.
So, this year family members wisely decided to visit Mom in waves throughout the week offering their own congratulations. Still, I wrestled with the urge to make it special – to make it the same as it was before Mom had dementia.
Walking through the department store searching for a gift for her I pondered this very thing. What do I buy for this new version of my mother?
Should I buy her a picture for her room? – No, changing her room disorients and confuses her.
Family photos? – No, the family photos she has are stashed away in her cabinet. She can’t remember who all the grandchildren are (since they keep changing) and looking at them frustrates her.
Special mementos? – No, they would be stolen.
Technology? - No, it will start a fire if it is plugged to the electrical socket.
I could take her out? – No, She’s using a walker now and out-trips take more out of her than they used to. Several weeks after I take her out, she puts her coat on each time I visit, thinking we are going out.
And I realize I am trying to celebrate a personality that no longer exists. This is birthday – dementia style.
So, we begin again. We simplify, we downsize and we stop trying to make it something it is not. We replace the big family dinner -complete with the roast and gifts – with a small cake, a big musical card and a beautiful bouquet at nursing home table.
But the one thing that remains – and always will remain – is love.
I understand completely. My mother has dementia also and giving her gifts has become very difficult. She is not the same person who loved to be showered with attention and gifts. She doesn’t care much anymore and really doesn’t use the items we give her. It’s very difficult.
Yes, it is difficult to watch the people you love slowly become less than what they were. I am learning how to show love to this new version of my mother. Thanks for sharing
We’re all in this together.
Unfortunately, yes we are.
Wow….I am sure that was very hard indeed. It would be hard to know what kind of celebration to really have for someone that might not even “be there” to enjoy it. I am sure that just you being there and spending time with her was enough for her and also the rest of the family going when they could. This way it would not be so overwhelming for your mom too. This Easter was kind of different with mom not around anymore. Not that we did any huge celebrations in the past but I would always still visit and bring her a card and some scratch tickets that she loved. But…she is in a better place now…free from pain so that is comforting too. Good luck in your endeavor with your Mom. I don’t envy you one bit. I know my mom is at peace now…not in turmoil as Aunt Pyllis is.
Thanks Betty Lou, She did have a good birthday. We went over and took a cake, sang to her and drank tea. I am learning to give her what she needs, not what I need. I appreciate you following along. I’ve mentioned you to my Mom and told her you ask about her. She remembers who you are and it made her happy.
Loveya, Sharon
Thank you for sharing… keep it simple is our motto too. =)
We are new to the journey, and dear m.i.l. is young (62!), but the dementia has rapidly taken over…so so sad, but we just keep showering her with kindness as it is the only thing we can be in control of.
Blessings, Sheri
Sheri, Wow that is young. We are fortunate Mom didn’t start showing signs of dementia until she was 82. We had many happy healthy years of celebrations with her. Thanks for sharing some of your story with us. I like what you said: “kindness is the only thing we can be in control of.”
God Bless,
Sharon
I definitely would have searched you out this past Sunday. Had I known that was your mom’s birthday. I will owe you a caring hug. Love Alida
Thanks Alida.
I’m sure that if she could she would say … having you for a daughter is gift enough!
Reblogged this on myeldercareconsultant and commented:
Celebrating rituals with those that are suffering from dementia can be tough! Here’s some great insight…
Thanks again
Thanks for the reblog. I am always glad when people share this with other people.